Why have I started fantasizing about women when I've only ever liked men?

Dear fantasy challenged, 

It can be completely normal to have sexual fantasies about women, even if you’re happily engaged to a man! In general, having sexual fantasies is very common. Whether you act on them or what they mean about your sexual orientation is entirely personal. Keep reading to learn more about them and how they connect to your sexual identity! 

What are sexual fantasies, and how common are they?  

Sexual fantasies, or mental images that are arousing, are very common. Fantasies can be an outlet to explore aspects of your sexuality that you may not feel comfortable with or interest in pursuing in real life without consequences. In fact, believing your fantasies are abnormal can cause feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment.  

Fantasies are common and aren’t cause for concern. Less common sexual fantasies that involve illegal or harmful activities (such as sex with animals or children) could indicate the need for professional mental health support.  

What is sexual orientation?  

Sexual orientation consists of your identity, attractions, and behavior. Attraction, for example, can consist of romantic or sexual attraction, attraction to appearance, and even how someone thinks. To that end, some people may only experience sexual attraction without romantic attraction, or vice versa.  

Sexual fantasies fall under the behavior component of sexual orientation. However, it’s only one drop in a bucket of things that include behavior. Having same-sex fantasies doesn’t automatically change a person’s orientation. There are so many other factors that, together, contribute to one’s sexual orientation. 

In addition to the spectrums of identity, attractions, and behavior, sexual orientation is fluid and can change over time. You might identify as heterosexual at one point in your life and then later realize you’re bisexual. You can also have sex experiences that don’t change your orientation. Ultimately, sexual orientation is personal. You get to decide what labels and identities, if any, feel right for you. If you want to explore your sexuality further, you could consider resources like the LGBTQ+ hotline or speaking with a mental health professional.  

How do fantasies impact sexual behavior?  

Sexual fantasies and porn consumption can impact each other. That said, it’s more likely that people watch porn to explore their fantasies. Whether you watch porn or not, it’s important to exercise caution on which porn sites you use. If you end up on the wrong site, you could land on child or animal porn – both of which are illegal.  

One study did find that women are slightly more likely than men to watch same-sex porn. In the study, most of the women identified as heterosexual and were in long-term relationships, so you’re certainly not alone. 

Should I be concerned about my sexual fantasies? 

Most people don’t act on their sexual fantasies in real life, even if there may be a desire to do so. It may be helpful to take some time to reflect on your fantasies without judgment. Have you ever wanted to act on your fantasies? Why or why not? Would you want to share these with your partner even if you didn’t want to act on them?  What does exploring your fantasies look like to you – either in your imagination or in real life? How would exploring your them at all impact how you feel about your sexual orientation?  

Communicating with someone about your fantasies could help you feel more comfortable with having them. This could be with a mental health professional, your partner, or a trusted friend. Sharing them openly could even improve your romantic relationship. Who knows, your partner might fantasize about being with a woman who fantasizes about women!